A little Piece of Perfection

We all hear about those who have lost a child. Sometimes it is someone close to us other times it is a friend of a friend, but no matter who it is our hearts go out to them in their time of sorrow. Well for my family the loss of a child/sibling has been a burden borne by my parents and oldest sisters. That is until recently. All my life I have been asked how many siblings I have and my answer has always been 5 sisters and 2 brothers. Then comes the question that has always been a tender subject, where are they all at? My third oldest sister, Courtney, was born 3 months premature and only lived for three days in the hospital.

 Recently my wife and I were expecting our first child, a little girl, she was due to join our little family on December 14, 2012. Katie's final doctor's appointment was on Thursday December 6, 2012. I finished my classes for the day at about 10:20am and met Katie at the library on campus to head home prior to the appointment at 11:20. After the appointment I was scheduled to go in for my last day of physical therapy observation for the semester. We ate lunch and headed to the doctor's office around 11. When we arrived they checked Kaitie in and got us all ready for Dr. Neuhoff to come in and make the final preparations for the following week when we were to schedule a C-section if the baby was still breech. Dr. Neuhoff came in and we got to talking and he took measurements an such and tried to use the little heart beat monitor to get a good listen. When he couldn't find anything he made a joke about how she was a trouble maker with being breech and all and said he wasn't too worried cause he was going to do an ultrasound any ways to see for sure if she had flipped or not. So we proceeded to the ultrasound room and he hooked Kaitie up and got to examining things. About a minute into it he got a worried look on his face and I knew something was wrong.  It took him a couple more minutes then he showed us on the screen our baby's chest cavity and that it was not rising and falling and there was no visible heartbeat. It started to hit us right away but took a few moments to reach the surface. Dr. Neuhoff gave us his condolences and gave us the run down of what needed to be done next. He told us that we would need to schedule a time with the hospital to have Kaitie deliver our baby. He recommended sooner rather than later but left the decision up to us. By this point there was not a dry eye in the room as the full impact of the news we had just received enveloped us.

That night neither one of us slept very much as we laid in bed crying and wondering how and why this had happened to us.  We went through the "what if.." phase and wondered why neither one of us had noticed that she had stopped moving.  Around 8:30am we decided that we should get up and go to the hospital.  So we emailed our professors at Rocky and related the situation.  We got to the hospital around 9am on Friday morning.  Dr Neuhoff, though he was not on call for that day, was there to get us settled in and give us the run down on what was going to happen.  We then settled in for a long day.  My mom and sister Heidi drove up on Thursday night and got in around 2am so when we got to the hospital we called to tell them we were there and how to find us.  They showed up a little later with breakfast from Starbuck's.  Then Kaitie's parents showed up and Mickey brought me a more substantial breakfast from Hardee's.

 That whole day is kind of a blur now but lots of family and friends came up to visit and keep us company.  After a long day our perfect little angel was born still at 1:41am on December 8th 2012.  We decided to name her McKinley Allene Kuchin, Allene being a family name from both sides.  My maternal grandmother and Kaitie's mom's middle name.

The next couple of hours were ones that I will never forget.  I am grateful, even though it was painful, that we were able to spend some time with McKinley.  St. Vincent's Hospital was amazing during this whole ordeal.  Our nurses were each a perfect match for us.  I will be eternally grateful for their help and presence.

Leaving the hospital was one of those things that I was glad to do, but at the same time it was like we were leaving part of ourselves there.  It helped that the funeral home had sent a family friend to pick up McKinley already, but there was still that feeling that I should be carrying our baby out with us. The following week was rough but thankfully we had a lot of family and friends around.

On Monday after returning home we went and met with the funeral home to arrange the service for McKinley.  The service was set for Friday the 14th, her official due date.  The service was amazing.  There have been two services that I have participated in for a few years.  The first being Nana's in Maryland the weekend after I proposed to Kaitie.

During times of trial I am grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ.  While it is painful to lose those whom we love, it is comforting to know that we are only separated for a  short time.  It has been almost 2 and a half years since Nana died and we just passed the one month mark since we lost our daughter.  I know that although we do not know why Heavenly Father allows these things to happen when we are doing our best to follow His guidance  I do know that everything happens for a reason.  Most of the time we may not understand the reason, but through our faith and prayers we can come to accept it as part of His greater plan.  I am grateful for a knowledge of the Plan of Salvation, or Plan of Happiness.  I know that through our beloved Savior Jesus Christ we will be reunited with our families.  I am grateful for the Temples where we can go to feel closer to those who have gone before.  I am grateful that I was able to spend 2 years teaching and learning about the eternal perspective and plan that our Heavenly Father has for us.  I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father that has provided us with so much.  This whole experience has provided me with an even stronger testimony of His love.  Last school year we were considering what path to follow since I was finishing out my final season of Rugby and was preparing to apply to Physical Therapy programs.  I still had about 2 semesters left but also wanted to retake a few classes.  At the same time Kd and I were praying about expanding our family.  We got a confirmation that we should add a child to our small family.  At the same time we were considering whether to stay at BYU or to transfer somewhere else.  The Lord guided us to apply here at Rocky Mountain College in Billings, Montana.  When we were accepted a few days after having submitted our applications we had to make a choice.  Moving to Montana would allow us to be closer to Kd's family for when the baby was born, and if we decided to live at home would save us a fair amount of money on rent and food.  But I was not certain that after being on my own since 2005, other than summers, that living at home would be comfortable.  So after further confirmation we began packing up everything we owned, rented a trailer, and prepared to make the move back to Montana the day after the National Championship Game.  I am grateful now for the promptings and that I listened to them.  Being here in Montana surrounded by so much family was a great blessing during such a rough time in our marriage.  Another blessing that we have received from the Lord has been Dr. Neuhoff.  During the entire pregnancy he was like an extension of the family.  When the end came with such a heart breaking result he was there for us.  When we went into the hospital he was not on call yet he made sure that he was there to help us get settled in and gave us the rundown on what was gonna happen.  Another blessing was the nursing staff that was on duty and took care of us.  As I mentioned earlier they each brought a slightly different persona into the room, but each was exactly what we needed.  I know without a doubt that our Heavenly Father is aware of everything we go through small or large.

Most of the time we do not even notice his influence but he is there.  He guided us into an environment that would support us through a trial we could not have foreseen.  Through our trial we are blessed to have a little piece of perfection, McKinley, in our lives forever.