A little Piece of Perfection

We all hear about those who have lost a child. Sometimes it is someone close to us other times it is a friend of a friend, but no matter who it is our hearts go out to them in their time of sorrow. Well for my family the loss of a child/sibling has been a burden borne by my parents and oldest sisters. That is until recently. All my life I have been asked how many siblings I have and my answer has always been 5 sisters and 2 brothers. Then comes the question that has always been a tender subject, where are they all at? My third oldest sister, Courtney, was born 3 months premature and only lived for three days in the hospital.

 Recently my wife and I were expecting our first child, a little girl, she was due to join our little family on December 14, 2012. Katie's final doctor's appointment was on Thursday December 6, 2012. I finished my classes for the day at about 10:20am and met Katie at the library on campus to head home prior to the appointment at 11:20. After the appointment I was scheduled to go in for my last day of physical therapy observation for the semester. We ate lunch and headed to the doctor's office around 11. When we arrived they checked Kaitie in and got us all ready for Dr. Neuhoff to come in and make the final preparations for the following week when we were to schedule a C-section if the baby was still breech. Dr. Neuhoff came in and we got to talking and he took measurements an such and tried to use the little heart beat monitor to get a good listen. When he couldn't find anything he made a joke about how she was a trouble maker with being breech and all and said he wasn't too worried cause he was going to do an ultrasound any ways to see for sure if she had flipped or not. So we proceeded to the ultrasound room and he hooked Kaitie up and got to examining things. About a minute into it he got a worried look on his face and I knew something was wrong.  It took him a couple more minutes then he showed us on the screen our baby's chest cavity and that it was not rising and falling and there was no visible heartbeat. It started to hit us right away but took a few moments to reach the surface. Dr. Neuhoff gave us his condolences and gave us the run down of what needed to be done next. He told us that we would need to schedule a time with the hospital to have Kaitie deliver our baby. He recommended sooner rather than later but left the decision up to us. By this point there was not a dry eye in the room as the full impact of the news we had just received enveloped us.

That night neither one of us slept very much as we laid in bed crying and wondering how and why this had happened to us.  We went through the "what if.." phase and wondered why neither one of us had noticed that she had stopped moving.  Around 8:30am we decided that we should get up and go to the hospital.  So we emailed our professors at Rocky and related the situation.  We got to the hospital around 9am on Friday morning.  Dr Neuhoff, though he was not on call for that day, was there to get us settled in and give us the run down on what was going to happen.  We then settled in for a long day.  My mom and sister Heidi drove up on Thursday night and got in around 2am so when we got to the hospital we called to tell them we were there and how to find us.  They showed up a little later with breakfast from Starbuck's.  Then Kaitie's parents showed up and Mickey brought me a more substantial breakfast from Hardee's.

 That whole day is kind of a blur now but lots of family and friends came up to visit and keep us company.  After a long day our perfect little angel was born still at 1:41am on December 8th 2012.  We decided to name her McKinley Allene Kuchin, Allene being a family name from both sides.  My maternal grandmother and Kaitie's mom's middle name.

The next couple of hours were ones that I will never forget.  I am grateful, even though it was painful, that we were able to spend some time with McKinley.  St. Vincent's Hospital was amazing during this whole ordeal.  Our nurses were each a perfect match for us.  I will be eternally grateful for their help and presence.

Leaving the hospital was one of those things that I was glad to do, but at the same time it was like we were leaving part of ourselves there.  It helped that the funeral home had sent a family friend to pick up McKinley already, but there was still that feeling that I should be carrying our baby out with us. The following week was rough but thankfully we had a lot of family and friends around.

On Monday after returning home we went and met with the funeral home to arrange the service for McKinley.  The service was set for Friday the 14th, her official due date.  The service was amazing.  There have been two services that I have participated in for a few years.  The first being Nana's in Maryland the weekend after I proposed to Kaitie.

During times of trial I am grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ.  While it is painful to lose those whom we love, it is comforting to know that we are only separated for a  short time.  It has been almost 2 and a half years since Nana died and we just passed the one month mark since we lost our daughter.  I know that although we do not know why Heavenly Father allows these things to happen when we are doing our best to follow His guidance  I do know that everything happens for a reason.  Most of the time we may not understand the reason, but through our faith and prayers we can come to accept it as part of His greater plan.  I am grateful for a knowledge of the Plan of Salvation, or Plan of Happiness.  I know that through our beloved Savior Jesus Christ we will be reunited with our families.  I am grateful for the Temples where we can go to feel closer to those who have gone before.  I am grateful that I was able to spend 2 years teaching and learning about the eternal perspective and plan that our Heavenly Father has for us.  I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father that has provided us with so much.  This whole experience has provided me with an even stronger testimony of His love.  Last school year we were considering what path to follow since I was finishing out my final season of Rugby and was preparing to apply to Physical Therapy programs.  I still had about 2 semesters left but also wanted to retake a few classes.  At the same time Kd and I were praying about expanding our family.  We got a confirmation that we should add a child to our small family.  At the same time we were considering whether to stay at BYU or to transfer somewhere else.  The Lord guided us to apply here at Rocky Mountain College in Billings, Montana.  When we were accepted a few days after having submitted our applications we had to make a choice.  Moving to Montana would allow us to be closer to Kd's family for when the baby was born, and if we decided to live at home would save us a fair amount of money on rent and food.  But I was not certain that after being on my own since 2005, other than summers, that living at home would be comfortable.  So after further confirmation we began packing up everything we owned, rented a trailer, and prepared to make the move back to Montana the day after the National Championship Game.  I am grateful now for the promptings and that I listened to them.  Being here in Montana surrounded by so much family was a great blessing during such a rough time in our marriage.  Another blessing that we have received from the Lord has been Dr. Neuhoff.  During the entire pregnancy he was like an extension of the family.  When the end came with such a heart breaking result he was there for us.  When we went into the hospital he was not on call yet he made sure that he was there to help us get settled in and gave us the rundown on what was gonna happen.  Another blessing was the nursing staff that was on duty and took care of us.  As I mentioned earlier they each brought a slightly different persona into the room, but each was exactly what we needed.  I know without a doubt that our Heavenly Father is aware of everything we go through small or large.

Most of the time we do not even notice his influence but he is there.  He guided us into an environment that would support us through a trial we could not have foreseen.  Through our trial we are blessed to have a little piece of perfection, McKinley, in our lives forever.

Empty arms but a heart of gratitude

I apologize for the semi-randomness of this post.  I have been journaling and I tried to piece together a few of my thoughts.  I thought it might be of help, either to someone who is experiencing such a loss, or to help those who know me to understand a little better how I feel.

I went into marriage thinking I was a baby making machine. I have the birthing hips and neither my mom nor my sisters had any miscarriages. Throughout my pregnancy I had it fairly easy. Sickness until halfway through the second trimester but rarely actually vomiting, just dry heaves. Then I started getting the beginnings of varicose veins and I thought that would be the worst of it throughout the course of all my children. And truth be told it probably was. I remained very small and people always reminded me of it and commented on it. And I was small (see previous post about McKinley's size) and that's why we found out she was breech. So the rest of my pregnancy I hoped that she would turn and did the exercises that my doctor gave me to aid in her turning. Anyway, back to being small. Even at my last appointment at 39 weeks the nurse said I was as cute as a button and that all pregnant women probably wished they looked like me at this late stage. Now that I've been through this, I would have rather looked like a whale and had a terrible pregnancy if it would've meant we could keep her. So, I thought I would be really good at having kids, but now I'm scared to even try again.

I have many regrets.  Most of them involve not enjoying my pregnancy more and spending more time with her emotionally. (Because I obviously spent every moment with her physically.)

I only really talked to her once the entire time. All the other times I referred to her as a monster or a parasite, mostly jokingly. (But in my defense, scientifically speaking she kind of was a parasite...)  The one time I lovingly talked to her was to try and get her to turn from breech. I explained to her that I didn't think that I was ready to be a parent and not be the one being taken care of, but that I loved her and that she had the most amazing father waiting for her here. I asked her very nicely to turn, but I had the feeling that she wasn't going to. I just didn't know why.

That's the thing I am the most sad about- Adam not getting to be a father yet.  Because he is going to be the best dad ever and I'm not just saying that because he's my husband and I think he's all that and a bag of chips. Due to current circumstances our and Shannda's family, I get to watch him with Niko all the time and he's amazing.

People kept asking me if I was excited yet and I honestly wasn't and was kind of troubled about it. I always responded that I was more nervous. Now that I think about it, I was more anxious than anything.  Maybe this is why I felt that way.

I'm so grateful to my family and friends who have helped us through this trial. I'm especially grateful to those who were there for the delivery. It was such a bittersweet experience. After McKinley was born, it was so hard for me to look at her and see past the sloughing off of her skin.  As I was reading online about others' experiences with this, they mentioned bathing and dressing the baby, etc.  But because she had no skin, the Dr. thought it was better to wrap her up before I saw her and I didn't want to see her like that.  It was hard for me to see past her death. It hurt me to hold her. But it was so beautiful to see her being held by family and to observe just how much she was loved though her time here was short. It was my favorite part of the whole hospital visit.

I'm grateful for Dr. Neuhoff and the sympathetic manner in which he handled everything.  He came in on his day off so that he could deliver McKinley.  He instructed the nurses to make everything as comfortable as possible.  He explained everything and tried to assure us that the chances of this happening again were slim, but that he would monitor me especially closely after 32 weeks to try and ensure that it would not. He even covered our balance for his office that the insurance didn't cover.

I'm grateful for my grandma who allowed us to bury McKinley with my grandpa.  It is so comforting to know that her body rests near family. She also covered the costs of funeral home and burial.  Death is sadly expensive.

I'm grateful to have had my mother-in-law who has been through a similar experience here with Adam and me during this ordeal. It was comforting.

I'm grateful for the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep and A Little Thunder organizations. A NILMDS Billings photographer came in at 3 am to take pictures of McKinley free of charge.  And we received a comfort box from A Little Thunder (the organization was created by one of my oldest sister's high school friends.  I'm grateful for these organizations and the service they provide families during such a hard time.

Before I started dating Adam, I used to never cry. I used to be a rock. But I'm not very good at sympathy, so I guess God gives me empathy.

It's been long enough now that a lot of the time it doesn't seem like we were ever even going to have a baby. But sometimes it is very real and I feel so lonely without McKinley here.

No chance to hear her cry as she came into this world. No chance to have her fingers wrapped around mine. No chance to see her tiny toes, or put cute socks on her little feet. No chance to wash her, brush her dark long hair, or dress her. No chance to bounce or rock her to sleep. So many things I didn't have the chance to do. I guess I just have to wait for my chance in heaven.

Even though McKinley didn't get to live on this earth, she still got to experience some pretty cool things. She went to Moab,Utah and Arches National Park. She went to Waterton, Alberta, Canada and Glacier National Park and climbed a small mountain. She flew to LA and went to the Pacific Ocean and Magic Mountain (but didn't ride any of the rides). But now she's experiencing the most amazing thing of all, eternal life.  And I know I'll get to meet her someday.