Empty arms but a heart of gratitude

I apologize for the semi-randomness of this post.  I have been journaling and I tried to piece together a few of my thoughts.  I thought it might be of help, either to someone who is experiencing such a loss, or to help those who know me to understand a little better how I feel.

I went into marriage thinking I was a baby making machine. I have the birthing hips and neither my mom nor my sisters had any miscarriages. Throughout my pregnancy I had it fairly easy. Sickness until halfway through the second trimester but rarely actually vomiting, just dry heaves. Then I started getting the beginnings of varicose veins and I thought that would be the worst of it throughout the course of all my children. And truth be told it probably was. I remained very small and people always reminded me of it and commented on it. And I was small (see previous post about McKinley's size) and that's why we found out she was breech. So the rest of my pregnancy I hoped that she would turn and did the exercises that my doctor gave me to aid in her turning. Anyway, back to being small. Even at my last appointment at 39 weeks the nurse said I was as cute as a button and that all pregnant women probably wished they looked like me at this late stage. Now that I've been through this, I would have rather looked like a whale and had a terrible pregnancy if it would've meant we could keep her. So, I thought I would be really good at having kids, but now I'm scared to even try again.

I have many regrets.  Most of them involve not enjoying my pregnancy more and spending more time with her emotionally. (Because I obviously spent every moment with her physically.)

I only really talked to her once the entire time. All the other times I referred to her as a monster or a parasite, mostly jokingly. (But in my defense, scientifically speaking she kind of was a parasite...)  The one time I lovingly talked to her was to try and get her to turn from breech. I explained to her that I didn't think that I was ready to be a parent and not be the one being taken care of, but that I loved her and that she had the most amazing father waiting for her here. I asked her very nicely to turn, but I had the feeling that she wasn't going to. I just didn't know why.

That's the thing I am the most sad about- Adam not getting to be a father yet.  Because he is going to be the best dad ever and I'm not just saying that because he's my husband and I think he's all that and a bag of chips. Due to current circumstances our and Shannda's family, I get to watch him with Niko all the time and he's amazing.

People kept asking me if I was excited yet and I honestly wasn't and was kind of troubled about it. I always responded that I was more nervous. Now that I think about it, I was more anxious than anything.  Maybe this is why I felt that way.

I'm so grateful to my family and friends who have helped us through this trial. I'm especially grateful to those who were there for the delivery. It was such a bittersweet experience. After McKinley was born, it was so hard for me to look at her and see past the sloughing off of her skin.  As I was reading online about others' experiences with this, they mentioned bathing and dressing the baby, etc.  But because she had no skin, the Dr. thought it was better to wrap her up before I saw her and I didn't want to see her like that.  It was hard for me to see past her death. It hurt me to hold her. But it was so beautiful to see her being held by family and to observe just how much she was loved though her time here was short. It was my favorite part of the whole hospital visit.

I'm grateful for Dr. Neuhoff and the sympathetic manner in which he handled everything.  He came in on his day off so that he could deliver McKinley.  He instructed the nurses to make everything as comfortable as possible.  He explained everything and tried to assure us that the chances of this happening again were slim, but that he would monitor me especially closely after 32 weeks to try and ensure that it would not. He even covered our balance for his office that the insurance didn't cover.

I'm grateful for my grandma who allowed us to bury McKinley with my grandpa.  It is so comforting to know that her body rests near family. She also covered the costs of funeral home and burial.  Death is sadly expensive.

I'm grateful to have had my mother-in-law who has been through a similar experience here with Adam and me during this ordeal. It was comforting.

I'm grateful for the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep and A Little Thunder organizations. A NILMDS Billings photographer came in at 3 am to take pictures of McKinley free of charge.  And we received a comfort box from A Little Thunder (the organization was created by one of my oldest sister's high school friends.  I'm grateful for these organizations and the service they provide families during such a hard time.

Before I started dating Adam, I used to never cry. I used to be a rock. But I'm not very good at sympathy, so I guess God gives me empathy.

It's been long enough now that a lot of the time it doesn't seem like we were ever even going to have a baby. But sometimes it is very real and I feel so lonely without McKinley here.

No chance to hear her cry as she came into this world. No chance to have her fingers wrapped around mine. No chance to see her tiny toes, or put cute socks on her little feet. No chance to wash her, brush her dark long hair, or dress her. No chance to bounce or rock her to sleep. So many things I didn't have the chance to do. I guess I just have to wait for my chance in heaven.

Even though McKinley didn't get to live on this earth, she still got to experience some pretty cool things. She went to Moab,Utah and Arches National Park. She went to Waterton, Alberta, Canada and Glacier National Park and climbed a small mountain. She flew to LA and went to the Pacific Ocean and Magic Mountain (but didn't ride any of the rides). But now she's experiencing the most amazing thing of all, eternal life.  And I know I'll get to meet her someday.